i'm back

I haven't blogged all summer. I haven't written in my journal all summer. It's very unlike me to not want to write in my journal. I think the last year brought me to a point where I couldn't sit and think about my life. I couldn't analyze what was happening or what God was doing anymore. I needed a break. The last year made me feel like I was in a glob of mud up to my legs. I could still move but it was very difficult. That's a lovely analogy... I didn't want to rehash the feelings I had throughout the day. I guess I still don't really feel like blogging but I want to feel like blogging so here I am. Luckily, I don't feel like I'm in the mud anymore. So hopefully I'll get back into writing/blogging.

This summer has been very different than any other time in my life. The people I can't live without (excluding my family) are totally different. The way I spend my time is completely different. The things that are important to me are completely different. And this is only the beginning. It's so bizarre to look back on how much I changed in high school. Wow. I kind of went from a brain washed, rule following, how will I ever be good enough christian to whatever I am now. It makes me sick to think that I tried to contain God in a list of rules. I am disgusted by my former self. I was so caught up in being good enough. I didn't think for myself. I followed a boy. yuck. Who was I?? I don't even recognize that person anymore. Four years from now, I hope to be disgusted by who I am now. I hope I follow God and learn more about who He is and how to love people how He would love them and how to live like He lived. I hope I grow enough to look back and laugh about how silly I am now.

Jesus

I have to much to say but I can't figure out where to start. So instead of trying to write a long blog about growing up, things i've learned, or talk about my frustrations with God, life, or people... I'm just gonna quote Marty from Remedy on Thursday.

"We have the answers to all of our problems, but we choose to ignore it."

lately...

i'm feeling it

I generally always want to help people. It seems like sometimes I just get used to the hurt and suffering in the world around me. Sometimes I'm so used to seeing my friends cry that I just try to make them stop crying instead of helping to fix what is hurting them. Sometimes I hear about tragic events and I don't even manage to get a "how sad" out of my mouth because I'm so caught up in my own world. For the last week I haven't been having many days like that. I've become very very very empathetic lately. It's making my soul hurt. I hate the world we live in. I honestly hate it. Maybe I shouldn't have hate in my heart, but tonight I can't seem to help it. There is so much pain and suffering in the world. There are so many awful broken situations, people, places, or things. We cannot get away from the brokenness around us. Everywhere we turn something is going wrong. Nothing is perfect. How frustrating it is to realize the amount of need in the world and not be able to help everyone. It's crazy for me to think I could help everyone, I know that, yet I still long to make an impact. To love people in a way that changes them, even if it's just for a minute...

Even as I type this I find Jesus speaking to me and giving me hope. As much as I want to be on a soapbox about our terrible world, I see His light coming through. Much like my last post, I'm realizing as I go that Christ came to fix these things. He could come back right now and heal everything. I can't wait for that. I can't wait to be in Heaven. In this world when nothing around me seems perfect, He is still perfect. I can find refuge in Him. How do people live without that comfort? I suppose that's the reason we share His love...

come back soon

Some of my close friends that live in Columbus just lost two of their friends/classmates in a car accident. Both of the kids were popular and well liked. One of them was a twin... I cannot get my mind around it. It's horribly tragic. I didn't personally know either of the people involved yet still i'm in pain to hear about what happened. I can't imagine how I would feel if those people were my friends. If these were people I love. The people I spend time with everyday.I can't begin to put myself in their situation. I hear my friends talk about the situation they're going through and I want to help but there's nothing anyone can say or do to make the situation any better. It's one of those things only time and God can help. But just like they're asking where is God in this? What kind of God allows this to happen? I'm asking the same thing. We live in a fallen world. I know that, I know bad things happen because of evil in the world, but at the same time I long so badly for God to step in a fix it. To come stop this madness RIGHT NOW. To rescue us from this hell we live in. I guess that's part of the beauty of Christ... He came to fix it. He loves us enough to fix it even though there's nothing in us to love. I think I should appreciate the comfort and love He offers despite my brokenness instead of complaining about bad things happening. But when pain and suffering happen, that's the last thing I feel like doing...


Please pray for this situation. It's obviously very difficult and we cannot pray enough

Marah No More-ah

Ok the title of my blog is lame but I couldn't resist.

Marah means bitter. I've been bitter. Actually, I've been growing increasingly bitter over the last few weeks. I can honestly say it's the first time I've been really bitter in my life. My whole life has been changed because of my attitude of bitterness. I was overwhelmed with negative feelings and couldn't sleep well because of the situations I found myself in. Bitterness easily consumes a life. It sucks the passion out of a person in a way that's hard to explain. I hated my state of bitterness. But once again, I am in awe of the power of love. Love can overcome anything. There is nothing that love cannot conquer. Friends that truly love each other can make it through anything as long as they make an effort. I feel as if a 10,000,000 pound weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

Off to Chicago for a few days =)

complainer

i'm so tired of being sick. i'm stuck at home. i feel like i can do something but when i try i just get way too tired and have to sit on the couch. i haven't been able to live my life since saturday. all i can do is sit. three periods at school and i'm knocked out. i'm not a person who can deal with sitting still. i want to be out and working hard. i need to be around people. i feel so lonely. i am not alone but i still feel lonely. i feel i have nothing to give right now. i feel like the people who would normally care the most are gone. it's hurt for a long time but when i'm sick i can't make myself be strong. i have lots of time to dwell (which i shouldn't let myself do) and i'm making myself miserable. i like to deal with things. i don't like sweeping things under the rug without talking them out but when it's not my place i try to keep my mouth shut. i haven't gotten any better since sunday but i'm praying that i'll wake up healthy tomorrow... having a fever is making me go crazy.