Regina Spektor

The Call

the girls are in the christmas spirit

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

 We also know that the Son did not come to help angels; he came to help the descendants of Abraham. Therefore, it was necessary for him to be made in every respect like us, his brothers and sisters, so that he could be our merciful and faithful High Priest before God. Then he could offer a sacrifice that would take away the sins of the people. Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested. Hebrews 2:16-18

The pastor at Jericho Rd. talked about this today and it's been on my mind all day. Christ became like us IN EVERY RESPECT. The fact that our huge, powerful, mighty God in whom the EVERYTHING was made and has it's being, compressed Himself to human form is iiiinnnncccrrreeddddiiibbbllle. How in the world can a God that big fit Himself fully into a tiny little baby? Even more, into the first stage of an embryo growing in a 13 year old virgin? He is enormous and became sooooo miniscule. I'm never going to complain about living in a small dorm again. God is so mysterious. It's so beautiful that God came here and experienced suffering. There are times when I cannot bear the suffering in the world. Not that I can't deal with the problems in my own life (although sometimes it seems like I can't) but I can't stand the amount of pain that people feel every day. My heart breaks for those who suffer, but how much more did and does it hurt Jesus to see people hurting. This is not how He intended the world to be. We are not the people He created us to be. I am not the version of myself He made. I'm a broken, decomposing, disappointing version of the Valerie he made. I'm a let down, but it's ok. He loves me. He understands the pain, suffering, and temptation. He's felt it. He's experienced it. He knows the difficulty of life on earth and because of that, He's merciful.

All of that is to say... I'm excited about the Advent season. I'm awaiting the birth of my Savior. He's coming. It's time to celebrate that this earth is not the end and our current state of depravity isn't where we'll end up. We have hope. We have a strong and perfect plea. We have Jesus. This is seriously the best time of year!

"Tell Me" 

Bethany Dillon

Tell me of a time when all this gray wasn't such a fight
A road I'd stay on for so long
How long have I been this way?
I'm so addicted to feeling guilty
Like the edge of a cliff, it's about to kill me
All the reasons why You wouldn't want to love me

Could I be loved by You?
I've got so much to prove

So tell me when this night is over
And the curtain falls
That I will know the truth
When it's the only thing that's standing tall

Still I know it's like pulling teeth
To try and convince me
That Your mercy can be bigger than what I deserve
I guess I'm just afraid to go head first
Into such a wave, drowning in wonder and peace
Knowing that it will never make sense
That I am loved by You, really loved by You

So tell me when this night is over
And the curtain falls
That I will know the truth
When it's the only thing that's standing tall

Unchangeable, unconquerable
Immovable, irremovable
Unwavering, untiring
Unflinching, stubborn love of God

So tell me when this night is over
And the curtain falls
That I will know the truth
When it's the only thing that's standing tall

I have so much to say but not enough time to say it.

God's redeeming power

If I really believe His power to redeem is infinite, I have to believe He can change and redeem my sinful heart and actions. I have to believe when my sin hurts others, He can heal them and heal me, but it doesn't stop there. Beyond that, I have to believe He can change and redeem the people whose sin hurts me. I have to believe that is not who they are just as my sins do not make me who I am. I've always been a skeptic when it comes to deciding if people can really change or not. When someone hurts me, I  forgive them but I don't want to put my trust back in them completely. I want to get past the action but make emotional boundaries to protect myself so their possible sin can't hurt me. I think that's wrong. If they believe in Christ, He has the power to change them. Who am I to question that? I'm a forgiver - I don't hold grudges; however, I don't put my trust back in people easily. I need a better balance between trusting that Christ can change people and going about that in a naive way, and deciding no one can change and putting up walls around me that keep out people I love.

Being in Ohio was so nice. It was great to see everyone and to relax. I didn't want to come back to school because being home was so nice, but once I walked into my dorm, I was excited to back at college. The distinctiveness of each part of my life is incredible. I love both parts for very different reasons. I doubted if I was doing what God wanted me to do while I was home because I was so comfortable and stable. I didn't feel the chaos and anxiety of college life, but now that I'm back I know I'm where He wants me. Sure college life is hectic, but it's stretching me and making me grow in ways I would never grow at home. Before I left for fall break, I didn't feel like I had grown up that much since high school. I felt I had matured but I didn't feel like an 'adult.' After going home and coming back, I see how much I've change, how wide my eyes have been opened, and how much my heart has grown for God. I miss Ohio, but I'm enjoying Wheaton, to say the least.

I'd like to write more but it's lunch time.

"All The Way My Savior Leads Me"

Chris Tomlin

All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside
How could I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide

All the way my Savior leads me
Cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living Bread

You lead me and keep me from falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me

All the way my Savior leads me
O, the fullness of His love
O, the sureness of His promise
In the triumph of His blood
And when my spirit clothed immortal
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way
Jesus led me all the way

All the way my Savior leads me
All the way my Savior leads me

This song is beautiful. You need to download it to hear how gorgeous it is. Sorry for not posting any original thoughts lately. I've been stressed and a bit on the empty side. This song pretty much covers it tho

I love you all and I'll be home soon =)

"Fourteen years of shared history made for a bond, even if life together was often tense." 

-Lila Abu-Lughod

These are all quotes from a book I'm reading for one of my classes. I love all of them and just wanted to share. Maybe a blog of quotes is a lame thing but the quotes are great so I'm blogging other people's words tonight.

"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.  We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea.  We are far too easily pleased." C. S. Lewis

"For the sinful self is not my real self, it is not the self You have wanted for me, only the self that I have wanted for myself.  And I no longer want this false self. But now, Father, I come to You in your own Son's self... and it is He Who presents me to You." -Thomas Merton

"When we have met our Lord in the silent intimacy of our prayer, then we will also meet him...in the market, and in the town square. But when we have not met him in the center of our own hearts, we cannot expect to meet him in the busyness of our daily lives." - Henri Nouwen

"We have plenty of examples in this world of poor things being used for good purposes. God can make any indifferent thing, as well as evil itself, an instrument for good; but I submit that to do this is the business of God and not of any human being." - Flannery O'Conner

"You don't always have to chop with the sword of truth.  You can point with it, too." Anne Lamott

"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." - Frederick Buechner

I can't imagine the pain God feels every time I betray Him. I wonder if He feels it every time I sin. I can't imagine how ENORMOUS God's love must be to take me back thousands upon thousands of times. After I've done the absolute wrong thing, after I've ruined what He sent Jesus to fix, He still loves me. He forgets what I've done and loves me like I've never sinned. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard of.

Commando

I'm so glad I tried this. My new name is excellent. I expect everyone to call me Commando Coalfire from now on! =)

Friends

I'm so thankful for my friends. 

friends that just drove for at least 14 hours to visit for less than 24, friends that would do that for me anytime i needed them to or if they got the chance, my mom who has to mail me stuff all the time and doesn't seem to mind even though i'm sure it's a pain, friends that send me things and bake me cookies, my brother and sister who help me figure out who i am, my new friends that i can stay up late getting to know, friends who help me figure out what's going on at college and how to deal with it, friends who grew up with me and will always have a special place in my heart...

I feel so blessed by the people in my life. I have done nothing to deserve such an amazing group of people to call my friends. I miss those of you who live in Waverly. (35 days til i see you!) I'm happy to be getting to know some really awesome people here at Wheaton. Friends make earth much more bearable. I can't wait to find out what it will be like to be in Heaven together.

Happy Birthday Eve/Early Birthday Present

Dear Jenn,

This is what I wanted to get you for your birthday. Sadly, 1-800-flowers doesn't deliver this ANYWHERE in southern Ohio. (I even checked Chillicothe. I was thinking I could send it to Eli at work...) You deserve a gift of this stature because you're an amazing woman. You're a great mom and friend and you deserve only the best. (stupid 1-800-flowers!) The love you've shown me over the last few months has impacted me and opened my eyes to see how to love other people in new ways. I hope you have a GREAT birthday. Celebrate. Struggle, joy, new friendships, milestones, learning, growing... there are so many things that happen in a year. Take time to think about the year and really enjoy what God has done. 

Sorry I'm so cheesy.

I love and miss you birthday queen!!!

College life is busy. I always have 10,000 things to read. That's why the blogging has slowed down.

I miss everyone but I'm also really enjoying life at Wheaton. I wish I could be home to experience football games, sit on my couch with my sibs, go to RVCC, or see Silas with his cast but I can't be. I know I'm where God wants me and I'm certainly enjoying it. There are times I want to jump on a plane and visit home tho!

Today I realized that I don't know anyone in Wheaton, IL that isn't a Christian. The 'bubble' of christian college... I have found some interesting ministry options that I will hopefully be able to start soon. Probably more to come on that...

I've realized how dependent on God I am during the last few weeks. I always knew it but it's different now. I used to think I knew what I would do with my life. Now I'm not so sure. I used to be secure in the people around me, my friends and family, now I must be secure in God or I feel obscure. I'm already being stretched, challenged, and changed. I love it. 

as for church shopping (coughJENNcough)

week 2 (last week)

Mason and I went to Antioch Community Church. Everyone there was really friendly and kind. The church rents an old theater every weekend - during the week it's used for renovation fundraisers. I liked the feeling I got from the community there. I felt welcome. The sermon was about healing. Interesting topic... Antioch is charismatic. It was a very 'tame' (for lack of a better word) sermon about healing for the type of church it is. I agreed with some points the pastor made, but not all of them. I want to go somewhere I don't agree with EVERYTHING because I want to think about things and be challenged to evaluate why I believe what I believe and maybe even change some of my views but I just don't think Antioch is the place for me. It's my favorite of the churches we've visited so far, but still not for me.

week 3 (today)

Today we visited Wheaton Bible Church. It's a small mega-church. That's a strange sentence... Anyway, I found out it's not really for me either. They just built a huge new 'campus.' Everything is brand new and beautiful. The problem, for me, is that it felt commercialized. I was distracted from Jesus by lights, decorations, and fancy stuff that I couldn't figure out a purpose for... (decorative lamps randomly scattered across the stage) I believe the people who go there are spiritual people and I'm not trying to judge their motives or their hearts but I just can't wrap my mind around spending so much extra money on such frivolous things when there are so many people in the world a few million dollars could help. I know they need room for ministry and to hold their congregation but why does a church need so much in the way of material things? As soon as I walked in, I lost focus of Jesus and put my focus on what they had. My personal worship wasn't authentic there. My heart wasn't in a place that I could worship and grow. It just wasn't for me...

Dear Marty Ford (and band)

You have spoiled me in an insane way.

THANKS. =)

College Life

So far so good.

I'm tired of telling people my name. A big thank you to all of you who know my name. It means a lot to me now. Seriously. Meeting so many new people is exhausting. I'm ready for some real, deep, honest friendships here on campus. I think I was spoiled with that in Waverly. THANKS guys...

Wheaton is a great place. I'm so glad God put it in my path. I'm so thankful for what He's doing in my life and I'm excited about it! I'm tired of orientation and for once in my life I'm actually excited for class to start. I miss so many people but I'm enjoying branching out. It's very different here. I feel like I'm in way over my head at times but I keep reminding myself that God brought me here and He will sustain me. This is pretty scattered but that's alright. I love my bed. It's so cozy and soft! The only problem is my sheets. I didn't wash them before I put them on and they smell like chemicals. It will be hard to change them b/c I lofted my bed REALLY high. So for now they'll stay. 

Today Mason and I had our first week of 'church shopping.' It was interesting... We went to a church that is right next to campus and is easy to get to. It's called College Church but it's not affiliated with the school. It was very formal and traditional. The sermon was great and the choir was amazing but it didn't feel like a place I'd ever be able to really connect with the people. For me, it wasn't a place I could really seek God. It was a wonderful church and I know it's exactly what some people need but it just wasn't for me. I really enjoyed seeing the way other people approach God. It was very far from the way I approach Him and was eye opening in many ways. I can't wait to try another place next week! 

I'm learning a lot.

"There's a loosey-goosey feeling to the future now, both a slight edge of anxiety, like anything can happen, and a slight bubble of hope and freedom that, well, anything can happen."
-Shauna Niequist

fan the flame, make my spirit whole

Today I cleaned off my bookshelf today and decided what to take with me to Wheaton. I came across a book I was given right after my freshman year.  It made me so angry. That was a time in my life when I was trying to collect all the pieces. I was trying to get everything together so I could live again. I was free and I was trying to find myself. And then he goes and gives me this lovely little book that made me just as mad at the time as it does now. For some reason, I've held on to it for over three years but today is different. Today I wanted to launch it off the nearest cliff. I am beyond done with that stage. I am so far some that time. I do not need that nauseating reminder sitting in my room. So I decided to burn it. And even though it may seem silly to some, it released me. I finally let MYSELF off the hook for that part of who I used to be. He won't know or care that I destroyed this little momento and probably won't ever know how I've changed or who I am now, but I don't care because this was for me. I'm not hiding anymore. I show the world who I am every day. I am not who you want me to be anymore. I am who I was made to be.

Pilgrim

Grandma & I by the Ohio River after breakfast.

This house is beautiful

I get my road rage from my Grandpa =)

I'm not sure how to rotate this but this is my gpa @ his college, West Virginia Wesleyan.

I wish I knew how to rotate this one. They're sweet.

I'm really enjoying the pilgrimage. It's interesting to see how much you can learn about people when you see where they grew up. I've seen places where my grandparent's lives have unfolded. Where they were born, where they met, where they lived when my mom was born... These are the places they have experienced life. It's just intriguing. I feel so much closer to them because I've seen these places. I know where they came from. I want to know this much about all of the important people in my life. It explains so much. It's awesome to take time to notice the intricate way God weaves our life stories together. Because two people were born out country roads in West Virginia and met in a diner I am here today. Because of their choices I live in Ohio and am who I am. God has been directing my path since waaaaaaay before I was born. It's a new perspective and I'm enjoying it.

I miss you all. See ya soon =)

i'm back

I haven't blogged all summer. I haven't written in my journal all summer. It's very unlike me to not want to write in my journal. I think the last year brought me to a point where I couldn't sit and think about my life. I couldn't analyze what was happening or what God was doing anymore. I needed a break. The last year made me feel like I was in a glob of mud up to my legs. I could still move but it was very difficult. That's a lovely analogy... I didn't want to rehash the feelings I had throughout the day. I guess I still don't really feel like blogging but I want to feel like blogging so here I am. Luckily, I don't feel like I'm in the mud anymore. So hopefully I'll get back into writing/blogging.

This summer has been very different than any other time in my life. The people I can't live without (excluding my family) are totally different. The way I spend my time is completely different. The things that are important to me are completely different. And this is only the beginning. It's so bizarre to look back on how much I changed in high school. Wow. I kind of went from a brain washed, rule following, how will I ever be good enough christian to whatever I am now. It makes me sick to think that I tried to contain God in a list of rules. I am disgusted by my former self. I was so caught up in being good enough. I didn't think for myself. I followed a boy. yuck. Who was I?? I don't even recognize that person anymore. Four years from now, I hope to be disgusted by who I am now. I hope I follow God and learn more about who He is and how to love people how He would love them and how to live like He lived. I hope I grow enough to look back and laugh about how silly I am now.

Jesus

I have to much to say but I can't figure out where to start. So instead of trying to write a long blog about growing up, things i've learned, or talk about my frustrations with God, life, or people... I'm just gonna quote Marty from Remedy on Thursday.

"We have the answers to all of our problems, but we choose to ignore it."